- July 27, 2022
This is Making The Rounds at JPL
Union of Plutonic States Contests Earthlings’ Demotion of its Status. No Retaliation Planned, But Planned Aid May Be Delayed
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – FRIGEON, August 24, 2006/Plutonic News via Deep Space Net/ — /The High Council of the Union of Plutonic States notes with the greatest disappointment that the inhabitants of the third rock from the Sun, otherwise known as Earth, have unilaterally declared that Pluto is no longer a planet.
“It is very odd that a group of university professors a billion klurchniks from here would presume to change the status of our home planet” said High Council General Convener Blanpik Vogonj. “Nothing is any different here, in spite of their unfortunate action.”
Other members of the High Council were less diplomatic in their comments. “For heaven’s sake, they don’t even know what we look like,” barked Council Under-Minion Tork Uwapht. “The most they’ve seen of us is a smudge from their Rubble [sic] Space Telescope. They haven’t the foggiest idea what this place is like.”
Large crowds of demonstrators were reported in several cities. The perseverance and dedication of the people was evident, given that with the atmosphere beginning to freeze, breathing outdoors can be painful. Demands for retaliation could be heard in some quarters, but most people expressed disappointment and surprise at the Earthlings’ misunderstanding or reality.
Convener Vogonj was quick to assure people that there would be no offensive against Earth. “This is a time for pity and understanding, not anger.” When pressed about potential future aid for Earth, though, the Convener was less serene.
“It’s well-known that Earth is experiencing a severe global warming phenomenon that has the capability to do great harm to what is considered life on that planet. While Earth should solve this problem on its own, their leadership seems to have a hard time recognizing it, and by the time they do, it will probably be too late” noted his Generality.
Taking a sterner tone, he continued, “We had been considering offering them an interplanetary heat-pump system that would solve their warming problem, as well as give us a slightly milder winter. That doesn’t seem workable now, because we’re no longer a planet in their opinion. It will be said to see them gradually heat up and drown, but that’s their choice.”
Some High Councilors were less disturbed by the news, while others were almost elated. Minion Toxbo Frmxi released a statement applauding the decision. “All Plutonians should be relieved to hear that Earthlings don’t think of us as a planet. Just look at what they’ve done to the other planets: Mercury and Venus have been spied upon; Jupiter and Saturn have had orbiting space machines taking photographs of everything, while Uranus and Neptune were nearly impacted by something whizzing past, cameras clicking the whole time. And Marsit has been landed upon, penetrated, driven over, and even now has a swarm of satellites flying around it. They are as thick as mosquitoes in summertime, whatever summer is. We are fortunate to be saved from this fate.”