Making Sacrifices for VSE

JPL Proposes To Buy Oak Grove Drive, Pasadena Independent

"JPL wants to acquire the street between the current temporary checkpoint for visitors and the lab entrance for increased security purposes. The lab has had the temporary guard station in place since 2002, with the citys permission."

Editor's note: An internal parody is circulating within JPL as to what management really wants to do with this land acquisition and how they are justifying it ...


Following the successful acquisition of Oak Grove Drive, the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) has announced plans for redevelopment of the roadway.

"Originally we planned to buy the road in order to increase security by installing a permanent checkpoint on it," stated Dr. Charles Elachi, JPL's Director. "Upon further reflection, though, we realized that this was fundamentally a Homeland Security issue and thus the President, under Article II of the US Constitution, having absolute power over the law, could simply seize the land." The transfer of the land from the cities of Pasadena and La Canada-Flintridge was completed (at gunpoint) earlier this week at the Los Angeles County Assessor's Office.

The initial proposals to provide access to the County fire facility and Flintridge riding club have been "revised" according to Elachi, "because they weren't consistent with security concerns."

Furthermore, the roadway area north of the checkpoint will be dug out, with four levels of subterranean dormitories installed for JPL employees to rent. "We did a study on how much time JPL'ers spend commuting to and from home, and we determined that it would be more productive to have them spend that time working at the Lab" declared Elachi. "Employees will not be compelled to move into the dormitories, but the rent will be deducted from their paychecks so they'd be foolish not to." The security checkpoint will be used to determine if there are employees who do in fact continue to reside off-Lab, so that appropriate sanctions can be applied.

"We realize this may sound harsh," said Elachi, "but we must all realize that the Vision for Space Exploration, as well as the War on Terrorism, require sacrifices from all of us. We will have a stronger and better JPL after these changes are implemented."

No JPL employees would comment on the record regarding this proposal. One scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that he thought Dr. Elachi should get clearance on this plan from the highest levels of government. "We're trying to arrange a meeting between Elachi and Vice-President Cheney, preferably during the informality of a quail hunt."


The Jet Propulsion Laboratory is an operating division of the California Institute of Technology, a private university in Pasadena, California. JPL's funding is derived from the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, an agency of the United States Government, which was formerly a representative democracy but is converting to an autocratic dictatorship.

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This page contains a single entry by Keith Cowing published on February 17, 2006 4:16 PM.

Media Policy Under Review at NASA was the previous entry in this blog.

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